Friday, March 9, 2012

Dear Nate,

It’s been 1 year since your body came into this physical world, longer since your soul left. I didn’t know you were gone. Maybe I did. Maybe the pain I felt that day was you trying to tell me you were already gone. Maybe all the movement I felt from you the night before was you saying good-bye.
How can I miss someone I never met? You have changed me in ways that nobody else in my life has. How can someone that only existed inside of me have such a profound effect on who I am?
Sometimes I wonder if you were my brother’s spirit. I miss him too. Life would be better with him here. I always felt he and I were soul mates. Kindred spirits.
You were my baby. My child. I carried you. I felt you move. I heard your heartbeat. I remember.
There’s no way it could be a year already. It was just yesterday that I held you in a blanket and sang to you. We laid you in the ground with a teddy bear.
I didn’t know what to do. How do you bury your child? A child most people didn’t even know existed.
Your sisters are beautiful. Am I greedy to want you as well?
It’s been 1 year tomorrow. What am I supposed to do? Cry and scream? Lay in bed and let depression take over again? I want to, in a way. I want to.
Maybe I’ll kiss my girls instead. And make love to my husband. And be thankful for what you brought into my life. And miss you.
And maybe these whisky’s will make things go away for a little while.
And maybe someday I will meet you.
For now, I have to let you go.
I need to move on.
But I will always carry you. I carry you in my heart.
Baby boy.
Love, Mom

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