Thursday, August 16, 2012

Toes on My Mat and Hope in My Heart

Hope is a concept so hard to understand. You can’t see it or touch it. You can only feel it. Deep down somewhere, in your heart or your gut; in your soul. Many people choose to ignore it, thinking it a pointless feeling. For some, hope is all they have.

For me, right now, I am clinging to hope. I am pregnant. For the sixth time. I can’t say it was unplanned, but it certainly happened sooner than we had planned for (I guess condoms work better if you use them).

I’m really scared. I have suffered many losses, the most recent still bringing me to tears when I think of our baby Nate. I couldn’t have lived with that “what if” feeling though, if we hadn’t tried just one more time.

So here I am, livin’ on a prayer (Oh Jon Bon, your words got me through high school and beyond).

I am turning to yoga to help me get through this. My relationship with yoga has been sketchy at best these past few months. But I know she’ll always take me back with open arms. I need only sit on my mat before I start to feel its healing powers.

I’ve had to start slow, going back to level 1 or 1-2 classes that had become unchallenging for me. I don’t want to push anything being pregnant, so I’m already doing prenatal classes. Though the movements make my body feel good, I am really doing it for my mental health. While on my mat, I can look at myself and my life and know that I am doing everything I can to make this pregnancy work. Nothing I do will cause adverse circumstances.

This has helped me to remain fairly calm, early as I am into this pregnancy. I cannot look ahead and plan for another baby yet. But I can take comfort knowing there is another little soul growing inside of me and, if only for a little while, I have a baby.

I hope that things will work out the way I want them to. Yoga helps me to understand that they will work out just the way they should.